The Eggplant Rebellion

Here is a view on life from the perspective of one of my favorite vegetables.

Hey, it’s me, the Eggplant. I’ve been hanging out here at the Fullerton Farmers’ Market all afternoon and, man, do I have a beef with you veggie-buyers. I’m sick and tired of being treated like a second-class vegetable! When will I get the respect I deserve?

Today, things finally came to a head. Farmer Juan unloaded me way down at the end of his table, squashed between the zucchini and the butternut so nobody could see me. Of course, the Avocado got a prime location, hogging center stage as usual.

Look at him over there, that pompous Hass. What a show off! I wonder whose rind he had to kiss to get that spot. And now that cherry season started, my life has really become the pits. I might as well be invisible!

Finally, around five o’clock I spied a customer giving me ‘the look’. “Pick me! Pick me!” I shouted. And she did. She picked and she pinched. She poked, prodded, plied and picked some more. Then she turned to her husband and said, “That’s the tiniest eggplant I’ve ever seen!”

Now that’s getting rather personal, don’t you think?

Don’t you people realize that eggplants have feelings too? I’ve had it up to my hairy little stem with your rude comments as you walk by: “It doesn’t look good. I wouldn’t eat it,” and “You have to disguise the taste with lots of fat and cheese.” 


Honey, I don’t go around shouting to the world that you look like a stuffed bratwurst in those skin-tight Daisy Dukes you poured yourself into. Down on the farm, we’re taught to treat other vegetables with kindness and respect.

And speaking of the farm, if you knew what I’ve gone through to get here today, maybe you would have a little more sympathy. I’ve spent the past three months buried up to my keister in dirt on a farm near Fresno. Fresno is not exactly the garden spot of the nation, you know.

And if that isn’t bad enough, imagine having to contend with 1000 siblings - that’s how many eggplants Farmer Juan plants every spring. It’s pretty hard to get attention when you have that kind of competition.

Is it any wonder I’m having an identity crisis?

Those days and nights in the ground were sheer hell. I spent my formative weeks fighting off diseases like Black Mold Rot, Cottony Leak and Phomosis Rot. And those are just the ones I can pronounce. I was constantly attacked by pests - the flea beetles, aphids and spider mites love my succulent flesh. At least somebody does.

On harvest day, I was unceremoniously snipped from my vine and tossed in a dark, damp carton with 29 eggplant brothers and sisters. Then I spent four miserable hours jolted and jostled on the back of a pickup truck. By the time we reached Fullerton, my innards had turned to mush! Do the words ‘eggplant smoothie’ mean anything to you?

Finally, we got to the market and what does Farmer Juan do? He dumps me on the table in full sunlight! Doesn’t he realize how sensitive my skin is to the sun? A couple more hours of this and I’m a goner!

I guess I’m just destined to be misunderstood. Earlier, I overheard a lady tell her friend that she tried eggplant once and liked my flavor but she wasn’t sure how to cook me. “Ratatouille!” I nearly screamed. “Moussaka! Caponata!” I’m also lovely brushed with oil, grilled for five minutes per side and paired with a chilled Chardonnay.

If people would take the time to get to know me, they would discover there is more to eggplant than just Parmesan. For instance, I’ll bet you didn’t know that I am actually not a vegetable at all – I’m a fruit! That’s right, I’m a member of the berry family, closely related to the tomato and potato.

And here’s a little-known fact: Eggplants come in both sexes. Male eggplants like me have fewer seeds and shallow, round indents on our bottoms. The indent on the female bottom is deeper and more like a line. And let me tell you, there is nothing as fine as the line on the behind of a lady eggplant. Whew momma!

Okay, here comes another customer. This could be the one. She’s looking me over pretty carefully - probably envisioning a nice gooey eggplant lasagna. Hey…where are you going?? Come back!! Aw, shucks, she’s headed over to the avocados. Lady, don’t you realize there are only 25 calories in a full-grown eggplant? That avocado will go right to your hips! Oh well, her loss. Or maybe I should say her gain. Ha!

Ah, what’s the use? I’m hopeless. Another hour in the sun and I’ll be nothing but a shriveled purple mess. Oh Lordy, here comes that obnoxious kiddie train again. If I have to listen to one more annoying blast from his horn, I’m gonna hurl myself in front of him. Hey, maybe that’s not a bad idea after all. What do I have to live for anyway? I might as well go out in a blaze of purple glory.

Ok…this is it…I’m going to jump! Farewell cruel world! Until we meet ag---

SPLAT!

Breaking News! It looks like the poor little Eggplant may have found infamy after all. Rumor has it that shortly after the Eggplant’s demise, the hummus vendor was seen in the vicinity, scraping the pulpy remains into a plastic container. Within minutes, customers were eagerly sampling a new dip he added to his menu.

I guess one man’s smooshed eggplant is another man’s baba ghanoush. It’s just another day at the Fullerton Farmers’ Market.
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Thai Coconut Curry Eggplant
1 T oil
1/2 cup onion, cut in wedges
1 red bell pepper, sliced in strips
1 zucchini, cut into matchsticks
1/2 a small eggplant, cubed
2-3 T red chile paste
1 T sugar
1 can coconut milk
1 T fish sauce (optional)
1/4 cup chopped green onions
1 T chopped fresh basil

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium high heat. Add onion and bell pepper. Saute 3 minutes. Stir in red chile paste and cook another 2 minutes. Stir in sugar; saute for 15 seconds. Add bell pepper, zucchini and eggplant. Saute 5-7 minutes, until vegetables are cooked but still crisp. Stir in coconut milk and fish sauce. Cook 30 seconds or until thoroughly heated. Add more chile paste if desired. Remove from heat and stir in green onions and basil. Serve over steamed basmati rice.
Yield: 2 or 3 servings